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  • Ryan and Jess

November Dates #2


Key Takeaways: Set an alarm on your phone for a time you think you might want to leave a date so that you have an excuse to peace out, girl scout.


Name: Mike because he's going to be a lawyer like that guy from Suits

Length of date: 6 interesting hours

How the date was obtained: Bumble

Where: Thunderbird in Brentwood then Taco Bell in Westwood then his apartment (oops! I promise it was wholesome).

When I met Mike, I gotta say, he was not what I was expecting. Did I feel catfished? Yes, but at least he wasn't a murderer. I quickly got the vibe that Mike is the kind of person who needs some help to loosen up. Makes sense why he wanted to get drinks. He ordered an Old Fashioned, and I really judged him for it - openly too. We had a nice sarcastic banter thing going on, so basically I just insulted the living daylights out of him, but technically under the pretense that it was a joke.

I like that I was able to be unfiltered with him and I appreciated that he could hang with sarcasm. He's smart and once set the curve for one of his tough law classes. Also, he scored in the 97th percentile for the LSAT. I like the smart ones, but I felt no chemistry with him.

I feel like you can get a sense of chemistry by anything as small as a shy glance or an electric touch (ooh sneaky), but there was none of that. I basically threw insults, and he took it like a champ. I was two margaritas deep at this point and not making super good decisions, so I agreed to get Taco Bell with him and then go to his apartment.

When we got to Taco Bell, a homeless man yelled at Mike, telling him he'd go to hell. Was God giving me a sign? He fended him off by saying, "Oh I went to Catholic school as a kid, so I think I'm good." At least he handles weird situations well. I'm not sure why randos keep crashing my dates...

Since Taco Bell is not a fine dining establishment, we had to go somewhere to consume greasy goodness. To his apartment, I went! Was that safe? Not really. Do I have mace? No. Is he twice my size and into kickboxing? Yes. Whoops! My gut told me he was a nice, trustworthy guy, so I felt okay (and fear not - there was no funny business!) There's something about awkward, nerdy guys that makes me trust them instantly. I do watch a lot of Criminal Minds though, and often times the seemingly nice ones are actually the serial killers... but whatever.

I saw Mike had a guitar in his apartment, so I took it and impressed the tacos out of him. I was really setting myself up for success here, but I recommend this: don't be cool and impressive unless you actually desire a second date. Multiple times he offered me beer, vodka, and weed. In the wise words of Meghan Trainor, I said "NO" but "yes" to watching Mamma Mia 2. Are we really out here trying to be Donna and the Dynamos though? It took Mike a while to turn on the console, so I took SkipBo, my favorite card game, out of my bag, and taught him. Mamma Mia 2 and SkipBo... I felt like I was babysitting. Promptly at 10pm, my "text roomies" alarm went off. This alarm exists because my roommates wanted to be sure I'm safe if I'm out past 10, so I lied to Mike and said I had a curfew from my roommates. I'm unsure why but he believed me, but I ubered home so fast. Overall, I was a little bummed about this date because we had a good online rapport. But, oh well. On to the next! That's how this date-a-week thing works, right?

Overall Experience:


The future for us… I already rejected his ask for date 2. I feel bad about it but proud that I was honest?

Next Week: A Hinge date at Bon Bon (but a different location from the first week so Smiley won't think I'm a good-for-nothing hoe, read my November Date #1 for reference).


Key Takeaways: Never date someone who likes the movie Cats.


Name: Mary, because she reminded me of Cameron Diaz's character from There's Something About Mary.

Length of date: 2 hours

How the date was obtained: Hinge

Where: Founders Ale House, on Pico/Robertson in Los Angeles

After dates with Gabriella, 50 Cent, Mad-Eye Moody, and the hyper-aggressive Rose, I was at my wits end and desperate for a good date. I was beginning to think that when Rihanna talked about finding love in a "hopeless place", she meant LA. Would Mary be my date savior?

The date didn't start off well, as I arrived on time at Founders Ale House and waited (and waited and waited...) for Mary to show up. To be fair, she was texting me throughout, apologizing that her boss was keeping her on the phone, but my extensive experience of being canceled on last-minute was making me skeptical. Maybe Mary would be like every other "meh" date I've had. But suddenly, she was there, dressed casually in a fuzzy white jacket with black leggings, looking like an absolute snack. My initial impression: "Ok, well at the very least she's not a catfish." As she sat down at my table she let out a loud f-bomb while apologizing for her tardiness. Now, to most guys, this probably would have been a major turn-off. But I'm not most guys, so my first thought was "Oh, sweet, I can be myself and not use the usual first date filter."

Before I knew it, Mary and I were chugging half-price IPAs and hitting it off with ease. We bonded over our hatred for the movie Cats, our love of LA, our overwhelmingly whack Hinge matches, and our experience in B2B (business to business) sales (which is her current job, and my previous job). I was impressed with how knowledgeable Mary was describing her current positions and day-to-day workflow, and how she was so simultaneously smart and confident. But above all, Mary was FUNNY. I consider myself to be a pretty "out there" guy with my humor (as poor Isabel can attest, as she has to edit down these blogs to be ready for public consumption), but Mary was matching every one of my jokes with one just as strong - or dare I say, even stronger. At one point, she even roasted me for how white I am, which I always appreciate. Our conversation wasn't all jokey, however, as Mary got semi-deep about her religious and political views, which are infamously dicey first date topics, but felt surprisingly natural coming from her. Mary seemed to be checking off box after box: smart, funny, confident, passionate, knows how to party, and hates Cats. It's like I was talking to the female, much hotter version of myself.

As we parted ways, we agreed this was by far our best Hinge date, and that we should get drinks together next week. Did I go for a quick smooch, you ask? Nope, I totally botched the goodbye, classic me. But still, 5/5 date, A+, faith in Hinge and women restored.

Overall Experience:


The future for us… More IPAs and good times hopefully

Next Week: I have a couple dates set up, fingers crossed they don't cancel


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