- Ryan and Jess
November Dates #1
JESS'S DATE #1
Key Takeaways: If a weirdo comes and crashes your date, put on your jacket. If your date is a normal person who can read social cues, they will get the signal that it's time to leave. If not, ditch them both.
Name: Deven because he's as patient and kind as THIS TikTok boyfriend:
Length of date: 1 hour 30 minutes
How the date was obtained: Bumble
Where: Bon Bon Tea House in Reseda (which is north of Burbank).
A preface before the details of my date: this was not supposed to be my first date. Someone canceled on me less than 2 HOURS before we were supposed to meet. I was devastated and humbled. Then, my expectations became more realistic, and I shot my shot and realized that there are PLENTY of fish in the sea. Seriously people, you can find another date. I promise. Ok, that's all. On to the tea... (hehe get it? because we went to a boba shop).
I was, in fact, 15 minutes earlier than I was supposed to be because in Deven's profile, he mentioned that he is punctual. No way was I going to get caught being late. First impressions are important! Speaking of first impressions, when that mask came off, UH HI! HELLO, BEAUTIFUL! This man blessed my eyes even more in person. Hi Deven, feel free to smile at me until I die.
For context, I am a regular at this boba shop. I was chatting up a storm with the worker, Smiley (since he's always smiling). Frankly, I was a little horrified he was there because I didn't want him to meet this guy I'm going on a first date with (in case it doesn't go well y'know... I don't want questions). But alas, they met. Smiley tried to make it a point to remember this guy's name... Great. I can never go there with another male again. I can't risk having Smiley thinking I'm a good-for-nothing hoe.
After Deven and I got our drinks and sat down, I quickly learned we were very similar - twinsies you could say. Same major. Similar campus jobs. Both doing data analytics. The list goes on and on. We are semi the same person. Good? Or bad? I still don't know. I do know that I talked a lot just because I'm basically as good at having a conversation with myself as I am at having a conversation with another human being, but he was so nice. He also referenced something I wrote on my profile. Dang. Did he study before the date? Or is my bio so memorable that it's deserving of a Pulitzer? Who knows?
As the date was nearing its time, something very unexpected happened... Someone joined us.
An interesting young man (who, speaking candidly, probably had some kind of mental situation going on) sat directly across from us and get this, started TALKING TO US. At first, I thought Deven knew him but nope! Total rando! Deven so kindly entertained the conversation and responded to the strange man's strange questions and strange comments. Me personally? I'm not about that. Had no clue what to do, so I figured worst case scenario I'd just make a run for it. Bye Deven! Bye weirdo! I put on my jacket and could've outrun Usain Bolt at that point, but I didn't have to! Deven got the memo, and we both left. We hugged and said our "until next time"s.
The future for us… He asked if I wanted to get Malibu Seafood with him! Stay tuned...
Next Week: Big shoutout to Bumble once again! Getting drinks with a future lawyer.
RYAN'S DATE #1
Preamble: This post gets a PG-13 rating. Ryan's such an entertaining writer and I’m grateful for his contribution. Some of his adventures push the limits of my comfort zones, and this is one such post. But, I think it’s interesting to see the world from different viewpoints, particularly the male point of view.
Key Takeaways: Be careful what you wish for
Name: Rose, named after the girlfriend from Get Out
Length of date: 4 and a half hours
How the date was obtained: Hinge
Where: Her apartment
After last week's Halloweekend adventures, and lack of finding anyone to ask out, I was hopeful for an exciting date this week. Little did I know, Rose was right in front of me. She was the Hinge girl who had texted me in the middle of Halloween night last week, and funnily enough, we ended up having a quality conversation over the app during the course of the week. She apologized for her initial forwardness, crediting it to alcohol during Halloween, and we ended up having an in-depth conversation about our upbringing, career goals, and current passions. As the end of the week approached, and I realized I had no date planned to blog about, I proposed we get drinks together, and Rose readily agreed. Rose lives about an hour from me, which would normally be much too far for me, but I wanted to meet her for two reasons - our conversation had been genuinely engaging, and, most importantly, she had boldly messaged me to "Come over" last week -- was that a slip of the tongue? Or had she genuinely wanted me to come over for some promiscuous activities? I was curious to find out.
So there I was, waiting to see her on Saturday night at a public mall in her neighborhood. The bar she had proposed was packed with people and wasn't taking any walk-ins, so when she arrived, we searched for an alternative. This ended up being a great ice-breaker, as we chit-chatted while we walked, and I found myself admiring Rose's confidence and willingness to ask engaging questions. Before I knew it, we had searched the entire outdoor mall to no avail, and Rose proposed her apartment as our date venue. I found her genuinely cute and funny, so I readily agreed, thinking to myself, "Maybe her 'Come over' energy is still valid this weekend".
When we arrived at her apartment, she continued to drop hints - saying I could stay in my parking spot "for the night", and that she wanted me to "stay for awhile". Her confident forwardness continued as she started to poor shots of Tito's vodka for the both of us - it became clear to me that she was not looking for a casual wine night, but rather that she was in the mood for a night of debauchery. Before I knew it, we were cuddling on her couch watching the masterpiece film Get Out - but little did I know, the story of a dangerous woman seducing an unsuspecting man would soon become all too real.
By the end of the film, I was properly liquored up, as Rose kept feeding me shots of Tito's while massaging my hand throughout the movie. My unsuspecting self was led to her room as the closing credits played, and I eagerly thought to myself, "Wow, Ryan, your slump may be finally over!" And that is when the night took a dramatic turn. Before I knew it, Rose was stripping me down, and demanding I partake in actions that would make any priest blush. I enthusiastically consented at first and jumped into her room for some things I would rather not write about (in case my dear mother finds this blog).
Eventually, her requests involved me not using protection, and despite my resistance, her demands started to get more and more aggressive. An alarm immediately sounded in my head, as I pictured multiple little Ryans running around - something I was definitely not ready for, so I jumped up and headed to the bathroom where I texted two of my friends begging for help. Steven (from last week's blog) quickly offered his help and said he would call me in 5 minutes. I nervously walked back into Rose's room, my heart beating out of my chest. Rose immediately started to manhandle my nether-regions, demanding I enter her temple. "Um - why don't we kiss for a bit?" I desperately asked (anything to keep sterile). What proceeded was the longest 5 minutes of my life, as Rose kept desperately grabbing at my private areas, with me continuously dodging and making excuses. Finally, after what felt like an eternity, Steven called me.
I put Steven on speaker phone, and his Oscar-worthy performance immediately begun, as he pretended he was my drunk roommate who lost his keys and needed me to pick him up as soon as possible. Rose intently listened, initially unwilling to let the future father of her children leave so easily. After a committed 10-minute role play between Steven and I, Rose finally became convinced to allow me to leave her locked apartment. After escaping, I immediately drove to the nearest In N Out for a deep look in the mirror and a re-examination of my morals. Despite the date playing out as I had theoretically been hoping for, I learned that things are not always so black and white - it's important to have clear communication about what you're comfortable with before you partake in some hanky panky. Otherwise, you may find yourself having severe PTSD shivers while eating a double-double in an In N Out parking lot.
The future for us… Hopefully not a child
Next Week: A couple tentative dates planned with new Hinge matches