Ryan's Halloweekend Adventures
First, a note from me (Isabel).
This post is rated R. There are adult activities that occur during Ryan’s Halloweekend and since Ryan is an adult and he can make his own decisions. I have also suggested that Ryan get a COVID test. I personally think that Ryan’s honesty is awesome and I am glad he did this experimental blog post. I have put some of my own notes in brackets to give context to certain things. Overall, please enjoy Ryan’s (WILD) Halloween adventures.
HALLOWEEKEND NIGHT #1
Length of date: All Halloweekend [Halloween Weekend]
How the date was obtained: Yearly tradition
Where: Various spooky party venues
Costume: Dr. Shots
Ah, Halloweekend. The greatest time of the year. It is my sincere belief that Halloweekend is the best time to be single, ahead of St. Patrick's Day, the 4th of July, and President's Day. (Thanksgiving is the worst time to be single - you need someone to help you dodge uncomfortable conversations from strange family members at the dinner table). Because of the once-a-year opportunity of Halloweekend, Isabel gave me the green light for a bit of an experimental blog post this week - I will be live updating the Notes section of my phone throughout each spooky night. Will I find my new boo in a sea of spooky and slutty costumes? Let's find out. I present to you, my unedited Halloweekend Chronicles.
4:50 - Halloweekend has officially begun. I’m currently with my two friends, codenamed Steven and Samantha, at a Happy Hour in Marina del Rey. As we guzzle down tequila with Sprite and pineapple, we make a game plan for our night in an effort to maximize spookiness.
5:01 - I subvert gender expectations by ordering a vodka cranberry, as I already feel the tequila hitting my bloodstream too hard. An elderly lady walks by, wide-eyed at our fever-pitch pace, and says “Be safe.”
5:10 - I read an article about the best Halloween pickup lines, my favorite is “Are you dressed as the most attractive person here?” I have to remember to use that tonight.
5:34 - We pay the check and start to walk back to Steven’s apartment for the pregame [having drinks before a party]. Intoxication level: 3/10.
5:59 - My friend, who was a Chief’s fan (I’ll call him Chief), has arrived to the pregame. It’s White Claw time.
6:41 - Beer die contest [drinking game]. Me and Steven vs Chief and Bigfoot (friend dressed up as bigfoot).
6:53 - Steven and I won, 12-2.
7:13 - Two girls, dressed as Strawberry Short Cakes, just arrived. I know both of them and neither are potential shots [matches], unfortunately (Intoxication level: 5/10).
7:39 - I’m on aux playing some classic bangers (aka all Travis Scott and Drake). Intoxication [drunkenness] level creeping up to 6.
7:48 - I put on my costume - “Dr. Shots”. Basically, I’m a doctor with 5 syringes in order to give attractive girls shots of alcohol. Very timely with COVID.
8:04 - I administered shots of tequila to each pregamer, then took one myself. Life is a blur Intoxication level: 7/10.
8:32 - I'm finally in the Uber with Steven, Chief, and the two Strawberry Shortcakes. Steven, Chief, and I are all ready to shoot shots [trying to talk to girls, get their numbers – has nothing to do with taking shots of alcohol].
8:38 - I am force-feeding everyone (other than the driver) a White Claw, per the “doctor’s orders.”
8:49 - We arrive to the party venue - it’s game time.
9:07 - Bathroom break. Just administered about 5 shots to not-lit [not drunk] enough participants. Two of them were to myself. Intoxication level: 8.5/10.
9:32 - Just got throated [forced to take a huge shot] by a chick, now I’m HAMMERED. 9/10.
9:38 - Just let in my girl, Shawty, who is an absolute homie. I’m seeing blurs [everything is blurry]. My friend/girl, Hannah, is also here, and she is also helping me look for eligible females.
9:50 - I just noticed that I’m drunk AF [as f*ck]. I’m prolly [probably] drunker than every female here. My friend, Chief, is next to me saying that he is at the perfect level and telling a female that she is at the perfect level for him.
9:53 - My girl, Shawty just guessed that I’m 15 pounds lighter than I am. Now I’m feeling confident AF [as f*ck].
10pm - I just took another shot, see you on the other side homies.
10:06 - Just told 2 friends about the blog, they said “That’s sick, keep vibing, you’re a legend.” I think they know I don’t get girls. Here we go…
10:13 - I just took another shot with my fraternity brothers. Can no longer speak English.
10:16 - Shawty just checked that I’m sober. I am not. I am going to the bathroom and can’t speak English.
10:28 - I just told a chick that her joint [of weed] could get her COVID. She didn’t believe me. I told her, 50/50 chance she gets it. She said “wtf” and glanced at her boyfriend. I left.
10:51 - My fiend [friend] who I gazed [saw] check in on me. We had a heart to heart, and decided we were on the same level and equally drunk (even though I’m an 11/10).
Morning Update: Ok, I'm alive somehow. Supposedly, I tried to go home with my friend Hannah once I realized most of the girls at the party had boyfriends (oops). My blackout-partner-in-crime Steven and I then started yelling "I love you bro" at each other before running out of the house into the streets of Santa Monica, where we somehow split up and wandered for hours alone (double oops). I then ended up walking through the McDonald's drive-thru for some nugs [chicken nuggets] and McGriddles, but was so drunk that I forgot my keys, so I sat on the floor outside my apartment building for 2 hours, surrounded by fast-food leftovers and my own shame. Although Night 1 may not have resulted in finding my new boo, morale is high for more spooky adventures tonight [Halloween Night].
HALLOWEEKEND NIGHT #2 [Halloween Night]
5:28PM - Starting off slow this time, with a nice boujie [fancy] glass of wine. Steven and I are staying at Samantha’s place in Orange County tonight after a party in Newport, so fingers crossed I keep it at an 8/10 instead of 11/10.
5:37 - Steven says that he’s finally sober after last night’s debauchery, and is feeling “animalistic.”
5:53 - Samantha’s parents are serving us wontons and pistachios. I feel so spoiled. I’m on my second glass of wine, Intoxication Level: 1.5/10.
6:26 - This wine is fire [amazing]. Finishing my third glass before we head out, and grabbed some coconut water (the world’s greatest chaser).
6:39 - Steven just looked at the moon and said “That moon is about to make me act up”. I might have to take care of this man tonight.
6:52 - Just picked up Samantha’s man, Eli. He is extremely Caucasian but seems like a good guy.
7:13 - A random Hinge match of mine happens to be in Newport and says that I should meet her at a bar called Malarky’s.
7:22 - Just parked at Malaky’s, time to see if she’s a catfish.
7:32 - A Jack and Coke for me, a vodka cran [cranberry] for Steven. Just messaged my Hinge date (let’s call her Susan).
7:45 - Steven just spotted a “dumpster truck” from across the bar, which is how he refers to a woman with a large rumpus. I urge him to make a move, but he chickens out.
7:49 - Still no response from Susan, which is very sus [suspicious]. I’m 2 Jack and Cokes away from walking up to every girl in this bar saying “Are you Susan from Hinge?”
8:13 - Intoxication level is rising, 4.5/10.
8:28 - We head out of Malarky’s for the party.
8:58 - I’m eating McNuggets again, why am I like this?
9:06 - We’ve arrived at the super suburban party venue. It’s game time.
9:13 - The party is dead [no one is there] as of now and all the girls here I know have boyfriends.
9:15 – Yeah, this party’s 90% dudes. #sausage fest.
9:18 - First shot down with Eli and Samantha.
9:44 - Time for shots with Steven, we are feeling dangerous.
9:45 - I just got beat at my own game, a girl gave me a syringe [with alcohol in it] so fat [big] that life is a blur.
9:58 - What the heck, just met a dude who says he saw me walking the streets of Santa Monica last night. He says I was incoherent, and that he was having sex in a van and looked out his window to see a drunk doctor roaming the streets. He showed me a picture of a girl’s butt in a van for proof for some reason. We took a shot together.
10:05 – I have had multiple shots, Intoxication Level = 6.5 /10.
10:14 - There is a FIRE [good looking] girl dressed as Tiger Woods, let’s go.
10:19 - Shots with Steven, Samantha, and Eli.
10:26 - Steven and I just taught Eli how to properly shake a man’s hand.
10:47 – Somehow, I’m in a political debate right now, how did this happen?
11:01 - Eli and I are bonding and love each other (we are both very Caucasian).
11:08 - Just administered a shot to a sexy cop.
11:13 - Steven says he is 10/10 drunk, meanwhile Samantha and Eli are making out next to me. An attractive female, whom I’ll call Aubrey, is next to me (bet) [for sure].
11:19 - Just walked in on a girl peeing. I’m outta here.
11:35 - Samantha tried to set me up with a girl, and I think I was so ugly that she left the venue.
11:36 - Steven told me he’s blacked out.
11:37 - Aubrey just flirted with me and I’m down, but she said she’s gonna go do blow [cocaine] upstairs, which is not my vibe.
11:38 - Steven is throwing up in the bathroom while I’m waiting for Aubrey to finish her Scarface routine upstairs [apparently there is cocaine featured heavily in Scarface].
11:43 - Just turned two attractive blondes away from the toilet to give Steven his throw up privacy.
11:44 - Checked in on Steven. He’s clogged the sink with his own vomit. He says he’s ok.
12:01AM - Someone told Aubrey that last night I made Hannah cry, and now she’s sketched out [freaked out] about me. Uh oh.
12:02 - Now I can’t find Steven, everyone says they haven’t seen him in a long time. Double uh oh.
12:17 - I’ve lost all my friends (Steven, Samantha, and Eli are all MIA). Currently DMing the random Hinge match.
12:26 - Now I’m watching Eli, who is incoherent.
12:34 - I am hammered and RUNNING in the streets looking for Steven.
12:35 - They found him, subconscious [I think he meant unconscious] in a room in the house.
12: 37 - This man, Steven, is literally sleeping in a random person’s bed hahahahah.
12:49 - Multiple shots with the local Newport guys. They are a different breed. Aubrey said hi, she’s fire [good looking].
12:59 - Just got roped into rage cage [another drinking game]. I’ll play because Aubrey is here. Intoxication 8.5/10.
1:08AM - Just checked on Steven, he’s snoring. Now, I’m helped a guy set up rage cage, I’m gonna play since Aubrey said hi.
1:15 - Hinge girl just messaged me to come over in Newport (wild). Aubrey is vibing [chilling] as well. Meanwhile, Eli is blacked out and Steven is still snoring.
1:22 - A white dude near me is rapping “WAP” [song by rapper Cardi B], n-word included. I’m uncomfortable and walked away. Hinge girl just invited me to come to her place (wild).
1:40 - Eli got kicked out of the party so I’m helping Samantha take care of him. Aubrey disappeared upstairs so that was an L [loss]. Hinge girl is the #1 boo [girl he’s most interested in] now, waiting for her to tell me her place [location].
2:05 - Eli has been blacked out on the porch this whole time. I continue to assist him while hoping for a message from the Hinge boo.
2:20 – I’m finally in the Uber with Eli and Samantha. Still no response from our Hinge boo.
2:58 - Just got home with Samantha, boutta [about to] split a chicken sandwich. I’ve given up hope on Hinge boo responding :/ why does no one love me.
3:08 - Tonight was an L [loss], but Samantha and I are bonding over chicken. While I did not find my spooky boo this week, I shot my shot [tried to connect with eligible girls] and had a good time, so no regrets.
HALLOWEEKEND DONE, MIC DROP.